Hope

Hope is the thing with petals
smiling towards the sun.
A yellow beam of light
streaming across a dark room.
Hope is a rose with no petals
bursting into full bloom.

Hope is what we wish for;
a paintbrush poised over pristine paper,
rainbow palette in hand.
Hope is a rope we cling to
when the ground gives way
beneath our feet.

Hope is waking up to see
morning’s hazy first light;
the new dawn unfolding.
Hope is joy and dreams;
what just could be;
shafts of sun peeking through a cloudy day.

Hope is taking baby steps
to reach the summit,
knowing you can survive
anything and everything.
Hope is embracing life,
believing in the wonder
when there’s nothing left.

Hope is what we are grateful for:
a caring voice on the phone,
a letter from a friend,
a family to love,
a walk hand in hand with your lover.

Hope is a tiny shard of light
escaping a crack beneath the door;
a willingness to cross a threshold to worlds unknown,
open to endless possibilities.

~Unknown

Cancer

Cancer is so limited. It cannot cripple love, It cannot shatter hope, It cannot corrode faith, It cannot destroy peace, It cannot kill friendship, It cannot suppress memories, It cannot silence courage, It cannot invade the soul, It cannot steal eternal life, It cannot conquer the Spirit.
~ Author Unknown

Cancer…the word itself looks innocent enough but its the one word no one wants to hear their dr say. In a matter of seconds it is the one word that turns a life completely upside down and takes a certain future and makes it uncertain.

2 years ago my father heard those life changing words..You have cancer! He faced his diagnosis & treatment with strength and determination. He went through chemo and radiation and 6 months later all traces of the cancer he was diagnosed with was gone. My parents had their future back and everyone was going on with their lives.

We knew there was a chance at some point the cancer would come back but we did not expect it so soon. Because of the type of cancer my dad had he was getting checkups every three months. It was not something he wanted to do because this is the man that eats, sleeps and drinks golf lol and he hates missing a minute of golf but he knew he had to have the checkups. A couple months ago the scan showed a mass in his liver so the drs did a biopsy and we waited. Waiting is always the hardest part! The dr who did the biopsy told us the mass was outside the organs so everyone was breathing a sigh but that sigh of relief was quickly taken away when we saw the dr. The mass is the size of a baseball and it is in the liver. At this point there is not much the drs can do but try to shrink the mass and buy him more time. My dad is going through chemo and not giving up.

I am not sure if it is better knowing or not knowing. One thing I know for certain is I now know who I get my strength from. My dad. He just amazes me with his strength and how he is dealing with everything. It can’t be easy but he is still playing as much golf as he can, working in the pro shop and arguing politics with me.

No matter what happens the cancer can never take away what an incredible father I have!

 

How??

How can I forget you when your always on my mind? How can I not want you when your all I want inside? How can I let you go when I can’t see us apart? How can I not love you when you control my heart?

Lost

Do you know what it feels like to be left behind?
Losing everyone around you in such little time.

I try not to worry since they’re left in the past
but it’s hard going through life knowing nothing ever lasts.

It’s hard to hide behind this frown,
When on the inside you’re on the verge of a breakdown.

I’ve lost everyone that meant the world to me.
All I have left of them are these memories.

You have no idea how badly I want them back.
But they’ve left me in the past which was their plan of attack.

The pain of losing them will never go away.
I’m tired of feeling like this everyday.

I feel like I no longer belong.
I fake my happiness to show nothing’s wrong.

I’m getting to old for this shit

On Monday December 13th, 2010 I will be having my fourth open heart surgery. What the other three were not enough? ok how about the two back surgeries on top of the three open heart surgeries? No!! Pain and suffering girl I am lol

The Drs feel I need this surgery now because my heart is working 2-3 times harder than it should and things have been deteriorating a bit  this year. Definitely not something I want to do but like most things in my life. I have NO choice it needs to be done and waiting will only make things worse.

Not worried about the surgery itself. The surgeon is one of the best cardiac surgeons but the surgery is going to be a challenge for him. Its me and nothing I ever do is easy lol

My main concern about the whole thing is waking up and finding out that the 100% pain I have been living with the past couple of years will be 150% for the rest of my life. Think they might have to get me one of those nice jackets I get to hug myself with and some padded walls. lol

I have no plans on going any place, a few people will drag me back just to kick my ass and continue kicking it for all eternity, but it is heart surgery and there is that teeny tiny chance that my heart could decide it has had enough! Listen up world this is to ALL OF YOU. DO NOT mourn me!! Crank the music (especially Rammstein), crack open a beer and drink up! Anyone that knows me well should already know that is what I would want.

No bitching at me this is not something I wanted to say but it needed to be said just in case.

❤